5w 5d

So after my meltdown, I had another lot of bloods today - the levels were 7400 so not quite doubling however they said they slow down around 6weeks so they weren't too concerned with this. They asked again what would I like to do - did I want some more bloods. I said that I think the only thing that would help put me at ease is a scan.... so I cheekily asked if there was any chance that I could have my scan brought forward, which they did!!! So next Thursday, we will be seeing our baby!!!


I honestly do feel like things are good, im not thinking that im miscarrying... im just reading into things, I know this..... but im not the first and I won't be the last mama-to-be that will do this. I think when you have felt loss its the fear of it that takes over. 


But Petrie will be just fine!!!!


My symptoms are still hanging in there. My breasts have gone back to feeling the sharp pains and I think they have grown, im having on/off headaches, the nausea is on/off but definitely not bad, my skin is a bit blah, im still peeing heaps, im feeling a little more hungry, im still getting the twinges in my lower abdomen, im still extremely fatigued..... and I think thats about it. Oh and im still very emotional!!!

5w 4d

So yea, im doing exactly what I said I wouldn't.... worrying!! Its just so hard not to - every little thing I seem to be over analysing, its doing my head in (and probably my husband's too). While initially yesterday with my blood results I was stoked, I came home and saw my miscarriage blood results and it was around this time I started to slow up... so this got me worrying that it will happen again. And my "symptoms" just don't seem to be there as much as they were - I know some people would be stoked to not feel crap but I just want some sort of sign that my baby is ok and won't be taken from me again. Needless to say, I feel quite emotional right now. I just wish there was a way to know, a way to believe in my body, a way to believe in my baby.... I want to so badly believe and not be the crazy lady who is a worry wart. I hate feeling that I shouldn't be anything other than happy but the simple fact is im scared :(

5w 3d

Had some more hCG bloods today - levels are at 4180, woo hoo!!!! With my last pregnancy the highest I got to was 3329 and that was at 7w 3d so im definately placed better this time!!! Its such a relief, you have no idea!!! The clinic have said I can have more bloods if I want (for piece of mind) but from their point of view there is no need to. At this stage, my goal was to just get passed where I got to last time so I have already done that. For the now I don't see a need but maybe I will feel a need.....


On another great note, a friend of mine who was a week behind me with her egg collection has just got her BFP!!! Im so so happy for them!!! They had male fertility issues but she responded well to the meds and managed to get something like 30 odd eggs collected however unfortunately none were able to be frozen. So this was it for them... and it worked!!! She is due a week after me, its super exciting!!!


Symptoms are persisting which is pleasing (who would have thought aye ha ha). My breast remain tender, im super fatigued, my nausea is on and off - seems to be worse in the evenings, im peeing like there is no tomorrow and im getting lots of stretching feelings in my lower abdomen.


I have no doubt that Baby Petrie is a keeper x 

5 weeks

Wow, 35 weeks to go!!! People say the first trimester is the slowest of them all.... I can believe that! I feel like I should be further along ha ha!!! All good things take time though aye ;)

Not too much to report. Im getting more and more tired now and have a sleep most afternoons. Also starting to feel a few stretches/cramping (kinda like AF is on its way) but nothing to worry about. My nausea has mostly settled, boobs are still on the tender side, bit of heartburn, i'm getting a few headaches and am peeing lots now. All in all its all still feeling so surreal - I think seeing bubs on the scan will be when things fully sink in!

My husband is being very sweet and looking after me - cooking most nights, talking to Petrie. Cute!!! Can't wait to watch him grow as a daddy xx

4w 5d

I had my second lot of bloods today... hCG 785 so they have doubled. While I know I should be happy about this, there is still that wee voice in me that says "it doubled last time at the start". ARGH!!! I want so badly to believe in this all being good and not reading into things. Its easier said than done tho (and I have watched plenty of girls say then do the same thing in the online support forum im in so im not alone). I think for me its cos with my last pregnancy my levels doubled... then they slowed down but were still rising which people would say was still fine, wait for the heartbeat and that will put your mind at ease.... and then we had a scan, we saw and heard the heartbeat but things weren't fine and 2 weeks later my pregnancy was over. 


I know logically that this pregnancy is different, and my levels have started off better.......but I can't stop the fear. I want to though, I have to find a way. Fortunately I have a very sane husband who is helping me through this, telling me that we have to celebrate the small victories and that today's levels are fantastic. I love him, he is my rock.


Symptoms for the last few days have also quieten (probably doesn't help the fear). My all day nausea has settled down to just occasional, my boobs still hurt and my fatigue has increased. My skin broke out a little on Monday night but nothing too major. And of course, im emotional/hormonal.


21 days until my scan and counting - please be viable, please let this all be healthy!!!

4w 3d

Bloods levels have been done - hCG 380!!!! So so happy!!! It just feels so different to last time - I know this time that things are going to be ok, im just so excited!!!! I can basically have as many blood tests as I feel I need to for piece of mind... I want 4 as a minimum, want to watch those levels just a wee bit longer yet ;)


Have also booked in with a midwife - went to the one I had last time but she is finishing up working so went to another lady in the same practice - I have heard nothing but good things about her too and a couple of people I know have used her so yay!! See her the day after our scan.


Im just so excited, im actually having a baby!!! Our family of 4 (yes that's including our cherished pets) will become a family of 5 and we just can't wait!!! Grow wee Petrie, grow!!!

4w 2d

Eek, blood test tomorrow - not often you get excited over a blood test but I can't wait to make our pregnancy "official" and to watch the blood levels rise. I have a record of our hCG levels from our miscarriage pregnancy so hoping like hell they start off better - at 4w 2d my level was only 60. Fingers crossed for a great number!!!


In the meantime I have done another preggie test and the line has darkened so that is settling my nerves :)

This shows from right to left the tests from 12, 13 and 16dpo.... can't argue with those results!!! Definitely sinking in more and more now that this is real - we are both so extremely excited and are talking more about "the baby"!!!!


Not much else to report. Breasts still tender, nausea still there on and off - at times stronger than others. Same with fatigue. I welcome more - will make me feel more pregnant ha ha :) 


Me thinks its going to be a long 8wks till the 12wk mark!!!

4 weeks today

Yay - now I can do a different type of count down!!!


Still in a world of disbelief - this BFP is so different to the last time as then we were naive of miscarriages, this time we have the knowledge of loss plus a long journey behind us that I think is holding back us getting super excited. Don't get me wrong, we are over the moon... just can't believe it!! I think the bloods on Monday will be the thing that will kick in the excitement and then with a great rise in levels on Wednesday then it will be like "phew". We told our family last night and I think their excitement is probably at the same level as us as they seemed slightly reserved also. Bring on Monday!!!


We have talked about the fear of another miscarriage and it holding us back. We have decided that this is not how we plan to treat this pregnancy - it is a new, different pregnancy and for the now we are pregnant and intend of basking in this knowledge. Im sure there will be times of doubt or fear, but we just have to believe that this wee bubs is well and will be making an appearance. 


So symptoms.... the nausea is still there, I feel a bit bloated, my boobies are still hurting me (mostly at night or upon waking) and im getting a few twinges in my lower abdomen. I have felt a bit blah today so quite glad its the weekend so I can blob out!!!

2 can't be wrong.... can they??

So yea.... those symptoms carried on and I tested. My first test yesterday and then another one today.... both were positive!! We are pregnant!!!

I can't believe it worked - im still in a world of disbelief that we were one of the lucky ones. I couldn't believe it yesterday and while having done today's one has helped cement the belief, it's still so surreal!!! I think part of me is in denial based on the road we have traveled - I have thought of every possibly reason why it may not be a true test but bottom line is it is. They were 2 tests from 2 separate packets... it's not wrong.

So I am officially pregnant.... our dream will be a reality in May!! We are elated!!!

My bloods to officially confirm it are on Monday and then will have some repeats to check that my preggie hormone levels are rising. I so so hope they rise better than last time!!! We also have a scan already booked - this was booked following our transfer. It said in the letter it would be either our first pregnancy scan or a scan to see whats going on following the failed IVF.... but fortunately for us it didn't fail!

Im going to be a mama.... keep safe little one, we can't wait to meet you and love you already xxx

Day 27 - 7dp5dt

12dpo.... 1 full week since my transfer.


Symptoms today remain much the same as yesterday - the painful breasts, the nausea, and fatigue. I am having a bit of heart burn which is not all that uncommon for me as I have had it on and off ever since. I also got the other night the dark visable veins all over my chest following a shower which I got last time so all sounding good so far!!!

Day 26 - 6dp5dt

6 days post transfer, 11days post ovulation. My 2 week wait it approaching the end, thank goodness. It feels like the longest wait of my life ha ha!!! Yesterday I was on the "this hasn't worked" fear, today my positivity is back... even if some of the time it is just a fake positive. I want it so much, but still fearful of it not working. I believe im pregnant but then pull my self back to protect myself in case im wrong.


Today my symptoms have changed slightly. I woke up with what can be described as sharp knifes dagging into my breasts - boy did they hurt!!! They felt so sore and painful. All day they have felt tender and sore, even if not touching them. My nausea is still there, to a point that if I haven't eaten it makes the nausea worse. I also feel quite a bit more tired today too. I have also just started to get some twinges down low - nothing major, but still there.


Who knows what it all means... lets hope it means there is a baby growing inside me and that all this isn't just in my head!!! Please let this be true.

Day 25 - 5dp5dt

Argh!!! Still 1 week until my blood test - it seems like a life time!!! I can see this next week is going to do my head in, so many thoughts swirling around in my head!!! Trying to keep as positive as possible.... but the closer im getting to the end of my 2 week wait the more I worry that it hasn't worked :(


Symptoms for today - still have the nausea, heart burn, and still have the heavy sore boobies. Im also feeling a bit tired but meh. I wish there was something more obvious to indicate one way or another, I just want to know!!! 

Day 24 - 4dp5dt

Tick tock tick tock.... time has slowed up!!! ha ha.Think its because its a lazy Sunday at home - atleast I have a busy week at work to keep my mind of things.


Symptoms for today: Boobs aren't as sore (unless I touch them) but still enlarged and heavy, still have a metallic taste in my mouth, I have been feeling nauseas since late last nite which hasn't really stopped all day. I also had a bit of food aversion this morning towards egg - something that I eat almost daily! This morning my poached eggs didn't taste right and I couldn't eat them. Haven't really eaten since either but I but that down to feeling nauseas.


It's so hard not to read into things - Im trying to find other potential reasons like I have a bug, or the eggs weren't right. I just don't want to believe that this is pregnancy related as its still so early that im only going to set myself up for heartbreak. But fingers crossed it is x

Day 23 - 3dp5dt

Almost at the halfway mark, yay!!! All in all im not too obsessively thinking about things - just trying to go with the flow and not over analyse things which so far hasn't been too hard. 
Symptoms at the mo continue as much the same. Im starting to get a little bit of abdo cramping but other than that just the same with the boobs and other pessaries related stuff. I did have wicked cramping in my calf last night and have read that cramps like that can come with pregnancy... who knows aye, probably just a coincidence :)

Day 22 - 2dp5dt

Great news - we got our letter today with results on our frosties and we got 2!!!! We are so stoked, potentially we can have our whole family right there or atleast the odds of getting the one have just got HEAPS better. So so happy, such a relief!!!


Nothing much else to report. Boobs still big and sore, getting the metallic taste but all this related too the pessaries. Also a bit bunged up due to the pessaries sigh. I did have a "wave" of nausea earlier this evening - probably related to the constipation or maybe just hungry ha ha. Nothing to read into at this stage anyways ;)

Day 21 - 1dp5dt

Day 1 post transfer - nothing to report. Same old same old really. Will be hard to spot symptoms as my boobs are massive and sore from the pessaries and I am peeing heaps from having lots of fluids. Will just have to wait it out until testing time no doubt!


I was a bit disappointed when I returned to work today - one of the admin people said to me "how did I get on yesterday"? I initially thought it was because I was off so I said excuse me to which she said "did it go well? what happens now, I guess you just have to wait".... she was clearly talking about my IVF, something which I had not told her about. I asked how did she know and she said "you know how the gossip travels in this place".


Im actually quite hurt that someone is talking about MY business. Yes I am quite open about my fertility issues, but I am also selective in who I tell and I am even more selective in who I have told we are currently undergoing treatment. I told my immediate team at work as I work in a hospital in an appointment basis position so I felt I needed to as people would have to cover for me - other than that I told 2 other people within the department, a total of 7 people. Now im wondering who else bloody knows!!! Its not others place to tell my business. Im disappointed that I felt I was doing the right thing to not let people down at work, only to be let down in return. Next time I can tell you I will only be telling my manager - who cares if people look badly at me because im always off, this is added pressure and stress that I just don't need!


Not happy :(

Day 20 - Egg Transfer

Woo hoo - we have an embie on board!!!! Im so so happy right now - im just amazed that we have come this far, yay!!!


I started the day off nice and casual. Listened to my Circle Bloom audio, had a nice hot shower, breakfast and then acupuncture. I met my husband at the clinic for our appointment - both of us were quite nervous/excited, when we held hands we were both clammy.


Firstly the embryologist came into see us. She said that all 4 embryos had made it to blastocyst stage - wow, we were ecstatic! I was sure they were going to say we only had 1 or 2 left but all 4 - amazing!!! I asked later on about the grade of the one they were putting back today and its a 4AA - the best grade possible, she called it text book!!! This made me cry - I did it, I actually made a good embryo (ok so they helped us a little but still hee hee). I had been told that we could get a photo of our embie  so I asked - they said they no longer like to do this due to the added risks of having to move the embie more so we were fine with not adding further risk. They then said that we would see if on a TV screen before its transferred back into me.


So the specialist came in - was the same one from the collection so I was stoked again, he is so good and explains everything along the way and makes me feel so at ease. Just what I need :)
Anyways he gave a quick check of my fufu for infection and as he was doing this the tv screen came on - firstly it showed our petri-dish with my name on it to prove its the right one, and then we saw it - our precious wee embie. It was one of the most amazing things I have ever seen!!! We were both mesmerised by it - science sure is amazing!! I had earlier said to my husband to take a photo of the screen but he was so busy looking he forgot ha ha. Its all good, I can let him away with it ;)


Anyways, basically our wee embie looked like this:

Isn't that just incredible!!!!


Next the embryologist brought in our catheter with the embryo in it, it was inserted into me and then when finished it was taken away to be checked to make sure it was out which it was. Job done. After a 5min lie down I was out of there!!!


In regards to the freezing of any spare, they are leaving them one more day to culture and give them the best possible chance to survive a thaw but looking like will have 1 or 2. Again, so so happy!!!


So afterwards I went off for another acupuncture session, had a nice long lunch with a good friend and now im at home with the pets chilling.


So FANTASTIC day, couldn't have wished for anything better at this stage of the game. Now all we need is for this precious wee embie to get all snug in me for the next 9months or so!!! For now I am blissfully PUPO - pregnant until proven otherwise x

Day 19

Holy heck, its the day before one of our eggs are transferred back into me. I can't believe its actually happening!! Feeling nervous, scared, excited - you name it!! Im also looking forward to hearing at what stage my eggies are at again, hopefully we are blessed. A girl in my IVF support group just got her BFP on her 5th attempt of treatment and after only having 3 eggs.... gives me hope!


I have the day off tomorrow. Will have acupuncture pre and post transfer, then im meeting a friend for lunch which will be nice. Other than that I plan to chill out so my wee embie can start to get snuggly!!!


Please, please, please let this work!!! I want this so much. I don't ask for much, but please let me be a mama. Fingers crossed x

Day 18

Well its been an action packed day - not what I need!!


It started yesterday at about 1-1.30pm. I suddenly got a feeling that I needed to be quite close to a loo as I was going to explode! So went home and no result. Lay down for a wee bit and then the diarrhea began. After 2 bouts I was done and then had a sleep. Woke up and was still feeling uncomfortable but things were bearable. Just chilled out for the rest of the evening. Went to sleep and woke in the night a couple of times with the pains in my tummy and it was still there this morning. Throughout the morning the pain started intensifying until I was crippled over in pain - felt like stabbing and was so uncomfortable. I started to worry that something may be wrong other than just bowel so rang the clinic and they said to come in straight away for a check up to rule out OHSS.


So I got there and the doctor scanned me - my ovaries were enlarged quite a bit but nothing more than they would expect following stimulation's. She checked to make sure there was no free-flowing fluid anywhere and that was clear. My bladder was enlarged (but I was busting for the loo so no concerns). My bowel wasn't impacted but she said that it was very active, what ever that means. The end result is that she thinks everything is related to the bowel/diarrhea from yesterday but I have had some blood tests to rule things out like infection etc. Best thing is that it won't effect my transfer on Wednesday which is what I was most worried about, phew!!!


Im sure all is fine, but can't help worrying and don't want to jeopardise anything!!! Still having pains but just chilling at home hoping they will go away eventually. Have been cleared to have some panadol so thats good.


So after all this I was feeling quite anxious about everything. I also started to worry about my wee embies - a girl in my support group had a collection today and got 12 eggs, and most other people seem to get better numbers than me so I started to panic that things won't work. I called the embryologist to get an update to help put my mind at ease and all 4 have gone on to 8-cell stage so doing exactly as they should!!! I may not have many but they are fighting on so yay!!!


Right, no more dramas please - I wouldn't mind being the forgotten girl in the background for the next wee while until transfer Wednesday morning!!

Day 17

Nothing much to report today - still feeling tired but tenderness has now all gone which is good. Just waiting it out to Wednesday, wondering what my wee embies are doing.... hope they are having a great old party in their wee petrie-dishes hee hee.


Fathers day today - next time we will celebrate it for real!! All though our fur babies Cole and Max made my hubby feel special.


On another note, its been 1 year since the start of the earthquakes here in Christchurch. Wow, its so surreal that its been that long or that we have even endured what we have! But only need to look around our home or our streets and we know that it wasn't a dream... not to mention the ongoing shakes we still get. It's been a tiring time but we will come through this, as we will our fertility journey.


"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired and success achieved" (Helen Keller)

Day 16

Today im not feeling too many effects of my surgery yesterday - feeling a bit tender, kind of like bruising in my lower abdomen but otherwise great! Still feel quite tired though but I guess the hormones will need to wear off. Started the progesterone pressaries which for all the build up wasn't too bad, definitely something I can live with doing! I have to put 2 up my vajayjay 3x a day, fun fun!!


We heard from the embryologist this morning - of our 6 eggs retrieved all 6 were mature and 4 were fertilised!!! We are so stoked with this - means we are looking at a 5 day transfer!!! Still got a bit of growing to do in order to get to blastocyst but they were hopeful we would get the 1 egg to fresh transfer and hopefully 1 more to freeze. Wow, to us this is just amazing - after the rocky road we have traveled on this IVF cycle thus far we would be just stoked to get 1 but 2 would be amazing (and of course any more than this would be fantastic). The way I felt on Monday after that scan I was sure this wouldn't work for us but now I see this as a minor miracle and that our luck is turning. We are both keeping so positive and hopeful - im sure this next few weeks will be another up and down journey but for now we will just believe.....


So for now, im a mum to 4 embies - keep growing little ones!!!

Day 15 - Egg collection

Had a bit of a bad sleep last night - mostly because of the earthquake in the night, 4.9. It was quite sharp and took off a bit and I was thinking you have to be kidding me, something else to add to this rocky IVF cycle!! ha ha.
Luckily it stopped and I went back to sleep when I realised there would be no more, a good hour or so later. I then woke up at 6am to have a little bit to eat as needed to eat no later than 6.45am and then went back to bed for a little bit longer.


When I did get up I spent the morning doing the thing I love most - listening and singing to music. I was nervous however this helped keep me calm! But finally it was time for us to leave home and head to the clinic... now the nerves kicked in.


When we got there, they were running about 15-20mins late. Hubby went off to give his contribution and I was taken into a room where I had to get into a gown, take a valium to calm me, have my BP and temp done and then sit with a hot water bottle on my hands until the doc came in. While we were waiting the embryologist came in and talked to us about what to expect - she said that if only 1 fertilised we would be looking at a day 3 transfer however the hope is we can get to day 5 as more chance of the fertilised egg getting to blastocyst which is the best possible result. Was good to talk to her and meet who would be looking after my wee embies.


The doc finally came in - wasn't my usual specialist but it was the big honcho medical director/specialist and it would be him that would be doing the procedure. I actually felt really good about this - like I was in the best possible care!


So once a line was put in my hand, I went through to theater. Hubby came in too which was really nice. It was a nice and relaxed atmosphere, music playing, lots of chatting and laughing (despite the fact my feet were up on the lovely stirrups and my vajayjay out on show). I was given some vicodin and wow that hit me quick - made me very dopey and drowsy, but still with it enough to ask questions. I then had a local put in somewhere in my uterus and the procedure began. He had the dildocam on to look at all the follicles and then he took them out one-by-one by draining them. They were then handed over to the embryologist who was able to look at them straight away and see which of them had eggs in them. We managed to get 6 eggs from 7 follicles - everyone was very pleased with this, and they constantly stressed that its about quality not quantity. I was then taken to recovery for about an hour to rest and then have a little something to eat and drink.


Im now home, a little tender but nothing too bad. Had a 2hour sleep which was good. My darling husband is waiting on me, catering to my every need - such a sweetheart, don't know what I would do without him.


Now we wait! This afternoon after the sperm has been spun and the best ones found they add them to the eggies and overnight they fertilise. Tomorrow morning we will find out how many have fertilised out of our 6. We are hoping that in amongst our wee embies there is a fighter or 2.... we really want to meet him/her one day so keep fighting!!!

Day 14

Its the day before my egg collection, my time is so close. All and all I have felt really good today - positive, happy and excited. Im starting to get nervous now - while I know what happens, I still don't know what to expect. Im so hopeful that we get some positive results, and if not... well we will deal with that if it happens. For now im focusing on enjoying the rest of my night, keeping calm and believing in all things good and that this is my time!!!


Keep safe and well little follies xx