Lots to update....

So following our failed FET's, we tried our best to accept the hand that had been played to us. I started to sell off our baby items, we attempted to get used to the idea of having only one child but it didn't happen. We decided to look at our options....

We went to an evening about adoption or home for life. Gosh what an eye-opener that was. So many children with such unfortunate circumstances. It's such a long shot, especially here in Christchurch. So the chances were prity slim of it happening. So what next???

We took out a loan... time to go the private IVF route! Once we made this decision, it seemed so clear to us, why didn't we think of this sooner??? We were so lucky to have success with a fresh transfer last time, surely luck will be on our side. And if not, well then we can say we truly did try everything. Given the costs of privately funded treatments, we knew we only had the one shot at it as we couldn't afford to keep trying - this was a stretch for us as it was... But it felt right to give it a go!

So we started when my period arrived in August. Back to the jabs, back to the bloating, back to the hardship of IVF. This time was so much different too - I was making heaps of embies, the pressure was insane!! So much more painful this time round.

We had our scan which showed that I had something like 16 eggs on one side and 15 on the other, all of varying sizes. My trigger injection was different this time, I had Burselin as its more used for those at risk of OHSS. God please don't let me get that - we desperately wanted our fresh transfer as thats what worked for us!

Day of collection was horrible. I was crying while they were doing it, thinking how horrible it is that these are the lengths we have to go to get our family, why can't it be easy for us??? I was also crying from the pain, I could feel so much more this time round, they needed to top up my pain relief through it. Afterwards I felt nausea's, cramping and just like utter crap. But on the good news front we got eggs total, woo hoo!!! Last time we only got 6!!!

Of the 16 eggs we got, 9 fertilised - again things were better!!! It took me a few days to get better following the collection, it really did take it out of me. We were lucky and got to 5 day blastocyst and we had the same grade embie transferred as our daughter!!!! Again another good sign. We also got 3 in the freezer, last time we only had 2. So all in all great improvements from last time and again I was in another two week wait!!

Nothing really major was happening to me during the 2 week wait, nothing that I could pass off as being pregnant. I was starting to feel despondent the closer I was getting to my blood test day. It was a Sunday and I felt an urge to test, just to get it off my chest.... it was positive!!! I just couldn't believe it!! I did another test the day before my blood test and yip, positive again and the line was darker!!!

So we did it, we had IVF success again! Blood test showed really great numbers and when I did another test the rise was great. We couldn't believe it!!!

So since being pregnant, lots has happened for me.... needless to say the bumpy road to a baby got even more bumpy.

At around 5weeks I started to get some spotting on and off up until 6 weeks. This is when the spotting turned to bright red bleeding. I spent about 3hrs on the loo where blood was flooding out of me. It was a horrible experience. I passed a massive clot which we only assumed was our baby. Following this the bleeding stopped. Both myself and my hubby were in tears for the loss of our child. I felt so empty. The next day we had our dating scan which we still went ahead with to make sure that I had fully miscarried. When we were at the specialists he kept saying how yes it didn't sound good but you never know... I was like "dick, of course I know". So we did the scan.... and what do you know, we had a baby with a strong heartbeat for our dates and perfect growth. We were literally stunned. They also couldn't find any explanation for the bleed. So we had a couple more scans over the next few weeks and everything was going as it should!!

At 9weeks I had another little bleed, nothing major but enough to get me nervous again. So we had another scan and of course all was ok. As im rhesus negative I have to get anti-D with each bleed also, just another wee thing.

A couple of days later I started to get really sick. I thought great, my morning sickness has come back with a vengeance. I spent a day vomiting, I was having hot and cold chills, I felt feverish. Again, horrible. I ended up going to hospital where I fainted. They gave me fluids and I had to stay in over night as my blood pressure was low and my heart rate too fast.

So its been a turbulent first trimester!!! But today I am 13weeks and all is still going well. I am still in disbelief that I am pregnant again and that our family will be growing. I have spent the last few months putting up a wall to protect myself from impending loss but our bubba sure is a fighter and now its time I start believing in him or her also xx

A year on

It truly is hard to believe my baby will be 1yr old in a matter of days... its true what they say, it really does go by so incredibly fast!!! Sometimes I wonder did I appreciate the little things enough - the newborn stage, the first times, the smiles. It all feels like I can't get enough of it yet at the same time doesn't feel like I got enough. Im so incredibly proud of my girl, she is an absolute delight! She makes every day so much better just by being apart of my life. We are blessed.

With loving parenthood its natural to think of extending the family, giving our daughter a play mate. Unfortunately for us though this won't be a reality, not for want of trying anyways.
We had 2 embies on ice... one didn't take, the other didn't make it passed the thaw. There is no more funding for us and we don't have the money to go privately. The fertility journey is now over. 

A girl in my IVF support group asked me how I was coping with knowing it was the end - that I seemed so strong, so brave. This was my response to her:

I don't know about strong...

The reality of this has just hit us. It saddens me that our girl won't have a sibling, I just don't want her to ever be sad or lonely 
We made the decision awhile back. Sitting in the IVF support group and listening to heartache after heartache... I just couldn't do that! Like one girl - they spent inheritance money, their savings and she has never even had a short lived BFP. I know how guttered she was each and every time. There are ladies in their going overseas to get their precious babies, on to attempt number however many..... It goes on and on and the guarantees are never there. I don't knock anyone for doing what they feel they need to, but for us well we just couldnt keep feeling so out of control. We feel that we are already lucky and that anymore would be a bonus. 
So now we grieve and we have to move on. We look forward to infertility not ruling our lives like it has for so long. We start living a different life and that has to be good.
Does that make any sense??

I look to my wee girl and it brings tears to my eyes watching her play on her own, knowing this is a reality she will have, but at the same time I have to be thankful as we are lucky. We have a success storey, we have a family.... we are truly blessed. Its been a hard journey but I wouldn't change it as it gave us the most incredible wee girl who is extremely special and so loved by many. Its time to move on, its time to start a new journey.

Good luck to those who go down a similar path. Be strong x

7 months on.....

My baby girl is 7 months old today. Its hard to believe she has been in our lives for such a short time, yet it seems so long! I already can't remember life without her in it!! She truly is a blessing and not a day goes by that myself or my husband look at her in pure amazement... she is perfect!

The past 7 months sure have had it's ups and downs but we have made it through. We now look to using one of our frosties in the future with the hope that we can extend our beautiful family with a sibling. I have an appointment with our fertility specialist next week to discuss the options available to us i.e. when we will do the FET, will I need to do a medicated cycle etc etc. I really don't know what to expect but it will be interesting to hear what they say and how we can increase our chances of success. At the same time if we don't have success we are 100% ok with this as we know we are already so lucky with our girl.

I am also nearing the end of maternity leave. The prospect of not spending each and every day with my girl is heartbreaking for me :( I know the extra cash will be great for us, especially if we were to get pregnant again, but to not watch my daughter grow and develop all the time truly makes me sad. Thankfully I know she knows how loved she is and if I were to have to put her into care she will be ok.

Mothers Day

Every year I see this day come and go and wonder when will I get to celebrate in this special occasion??? A week ago the answer became clear....our wee miracle decided to come early!!!!


On Sunday 6th May 2012 at 11.17am our beautiful daughter was born at 37w 2d  following emergency Cesarean. She weighed 2770g (6lb 1oz), was 50cm, and the most beautiful thing we had ever seen.


So we have done it!!!! We are now parents, my dream of being a mummy is a reality. Its been a long road, so long that my little girl knew that mum needed a break and decided that she would be here in time for us to celebrate in mothers day.


In the week that she has been in our lives, she has enriched them so much more than we could ever imagine. We find ourselves just starring at her in pure wonderment. She is just so beautiful, perfect. She is very alert, loves to play with her hands, sleeps well and is a good feeder. We can see both of us in her - more me than my hubby but still, she is definately a creation of both of us.


The road to parent hood sure has been a hard path, and I know there will be hard roads ahead... but the first time I saw her, I was in love... and I would do it all over again.


Thank you for following me in my quest to become a mum. For those who are reading this blog, still waiting for your own miracle to happen.... don't give up. All the tears, heartache, time, pain, and every other emotion that has come with this journey has been hands down worth it. The love I have for my girl is like no other I have ever felt, and I know its the same for my husband.


We love our beautiful girl, now and for always.


Happy mothers day xxx

36w 6d

We have a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bubs will be induced on the 16th May (38w 5d) if she doesn't make a surprise visit before then!!! It was a little longer than I was hoping, but she is growing so well in there the obstetrician didn't want to go too early (and hey, I gotta put my baby girl first). So the 16th it is!!! Its so nice to have a date :) Im so nervous, scared, excited....  but mostly I can't wait to meet her!!!


Countdown is well and truly on xx

36w 3d

As suspected, time is slowing down ha ha!!! I guess its to be expected, especially as labour, birth and meeting our wee girl is all I can think about now.


With reaching the 36week mark we have now started to hand express our colostrum to be able to give baby as soon as she is born. This is because she has a high risk of dropping her blood glucose levels once she is cut from the cord because of the GD. Its "liquid gold" and even the smallest amount is enough to help. While I have been taught the technique of doing the expressing, its really hard. I have only been able to get some very small amounts - and while they say that its ok to get just a very small amount, its hard not to feel like a failure. Im trying to not be hard on myself but I guess with any parenting, you only want the best.... I just have to remember that even the smallest amount is giving her the best!


Today I had a midwife appointment - im now down to weekly! We discussed what happens with the induction process. She said that I will likely start off with a balloon catheter to soften the cervix, then look at trying the gel to soften it, and then go on to the medical route. She said worse case scenario is that it can take up to 4 days (yikes) and if at this point there is still no baby, will look to a Cesarean. We discussed that while i'll try to go without the pain relief for a little bit (im thinking not that long), that logically induction is hard on the body so will then go to an epidural to help get through - especially if we are looking at the worse case scenario. And besides, I have had things hard throughout the pregnancy, if we can make something a little bit easier why not!!! Im still scared about the epidural tho - the thought of the needle in the spine is quite scary! We also talked about what to do in the event that I went into early labour, just to cover all bases :)


Its so surreal making plans and discussing through what to expect. This is just another of those moments that I have to pinch myself to believe its happening. Even when I look at my belly sometimes im like "wow is that really me??" The light at the end of the tunnel is becoming brighter. I just now need my induction date - bring on Thursday when hopefully the obstetricians play the game and give it to me!!!

35w 5d

Today it is officially 30 days until our due date!!!! Another milestone :)


The best thing though is it's even less until we meet our baby girl, hopefully just a couple of weeks or so!!! Girls who I met through a group of mums due in May are starting to have babies, its so incredibly exciting - it means my turn is not far away!!!


I was talking to my husband today about the significance of the month of May.... May 2009 was when we officially started trying and foolishly believed we had success first time ha ha - we hadn't even ovulated!!! (the beginning of things to come). May 2010 we had success with our first IUI, however that wasn't meant to be and we got our angel baby. And now in 2012, we are expecting our miracle IVF baby. Its been a long old road.... but we are almost there, we will soon get to hold our own baby. 


I still can't quite believe it. I feel like I have to pinch myself that IVF worked for us, and to work first attempt is just amazing. This road, while it has been incredibly painful and heartbreaking, it has brought me and my husband closer together. We know how blessed we are, and not a day goes by that im sure either of us forget this. This baby sure is going to be one loved and lucky girl!!!


Lets hope the final "2 week wait" until she is born isn't as long as the many countless 2 week waits we have endured to see if that month we have been successful... we already know we are xx