I love getting mail!!!

Its finally happened.... we have reached the top of the waiting list for IVF!!! 

We got the news today in the mail, I recognised the labeling straight away and was like "oh my god". My husband was standing next to me telling me to hurry up and open it, and sure enough it was the good news we had been waiting for. The strange thing is we had been away and on the flight home today I said to my husband "imagine if we got home and had our letter to start IVF" and we bloody did!!!

I can't actually believe it - I was sure we wouldn't get it this year but it looks like for once lady luck is on our side! We both just stood there and hugged each other with smiles ear-to-ear (and I was of course teary).

So next is all our screening. Luckily I took the Provera last week to bring on my period which means it will be here by next week at the latest. That means I will be able to do my day 3 bloods and get a scan soon to see what my ovaries are up to. Hubby has booked in for his semen analysis for Friday. Once they are all done we have an appointment to sign the consents and discuss the next steps.

Eek, its our time!!! Come on baby xx

What to do....

Im now CD56.... 5 days ago I took Provera to bring on my period as I was tired of waiting for it! I hope it doesn't do more harm than good but I can't try for a baby if im not ovulating or having cycles that just go on and on. 
Im still having my weekly acupuncture which is going well - I really like my new one, she listens to me so much more and is way more informative. I told her of my plan to take clomiphene next cycle which she didn't agree with. She believes it won't work as my body still isn't balanced and it will also make it hard for her to treat me because its going to heat me up so much more. Argh!!! I don't know what to do!!!! How can I not try it again??? The last acu told me the same thing and that was 2 months ago and im still on the same cycle!!!! I hate that I don't have the chances because my cycles morph into each other. I hate that I don't have quick options, I just want me to have options!!!! I just don't know what to do........

1 year on

It was a year ago today that I had to say goodbye to you my bubs. I remember that day so clearly, it was so emotionally painful. I remember being on the operating table crying, thinking to myself that this was not the way you were meant to leave me. And when I woke up, you were gone. 

I don't know what you look like, I can only imagine you were beautiful and perfect. I couldn't name you as I never knew if you were a boy or girl... my heart says you were my little girl. It saddens me that I could never watch you grow, never laugh or cry with you, see you be successful in life. I failed you as a mum, thats the thing that hurts the most. I couldn't keep you from being sick. Im so sorry my little angel :(

I love you, and I will never forget you x x

Time to pick myself up.....

So I feel I have been a negative nancy of late. I keep looking at all the shitty sides of my situation. Its so easy to just fall into a pattern of how unfair this is or how it sucks that im not pregnant... it is all those things and it is shitty but im doing lots of positives to improve the outcomes. I need to remember that im lucky in so many ways - I know I can get pregnant, I have age on my side, I have a loving husband... things really could be worse and I need to be thankful for what I have.


A few months back I started acupuncture which im still doing. I have started seeing someone new and after one session I already feel pleased I made the switch. I feel I am being heard, I feel she is more supportive, and I think it will be a great "relationship" between us. She was talking about how I need to let go of regrets as im internalising them which is holding me back from getting my baby. I so agree - I will be working on this over the next few weeks. So watch this space.....


I have started a low GI diet - im trying to be reasonably strict but allowing myself 1 small treat a day to get me through the first few weeks. Then I hope to drop that and be completely strict with the diet. For me, I think this was the way to help me get through and "stick" to the dieting program. Again, watch this space.....


I have also tried to be a little more active. I have been sick the last few weeks so it has been hard, but we have brought a Wii to encourage exercising at home along with the stationary bike we already have. Already I have lost 2kgs so im on track for my 10kgs im hoping to lose. I also have a bit more energy so thats all good :)


So yes, things haven't changed. I still have my cycle issues (im CD40 today and still no ovulation), I still struggle to see the end in sight but im doing all I can to ensure I get the best possible outcome. Every little bit counts and I want to make it all count and I want to celebrate the small successes. I want my baby, and I WILL get my baby!! 

Constant disappointments

CD37.... still waiting on ovulation and this cycle to end, hurry up already :(


You would think after 26months I would get used to the disappointments that come with this journey, but they always seem to creep up on you. I remember when I first stopped the clomiphene and started ovulating on my own - I stupidly thought to myself, "well maybe my body is back to normal now". And even with each cycle as it slowly got longer I was still holding on to the fact that my body was still ovulating so thats good. Now all I can hope for is that this cycle will end sooner rather than later but im sure I will be disappointed on that one too.


This year I have ovulated only 3 times. Doesn't offer much chances to "try". I just want to get my fair shot like everyone else gets. These long cycles are really doing my head in!!! I can handle the low temps - people get pregnant on them and lots go on to healthy pregnancies. But with each cycle that goes on and on I know that my eggs are less healthy so not even worth the "try".
Im looking forward to the predictability of the clomiphene when I do it again next cycle. Even if it doesn't work for us, it will be nice to have a normal cycle.


Im also finding the longer im on this journey, the more isolated I feel. Most people I know don't seem to understand and offer the advice of "just don't stress and it will happen" or no advice at all as they have come to avoid talking about it (for fear of potentially upsetting me with how happy they are I suppose, or perhaps no longer care or tired of hearing about it?). Most my friends have gone on to have babies and some are onto their second pregnancies. I don't fit in anymore - even if im with my friends im that big elephant in the room while they busily talk about their lives which have obviously changed... I want that change.


I have but a few people who I talk to about how im struggling - mostly in the virtual world but a few in person. But mostly now, im just keeping it to myself. I don't want to bring people down with my sadness nor make them feel guilty. I guess I can understand the distance... kind of. But maybe this journey has become too much of me that im loosing my own identity?? Maybe now im just that girl who has struggles to get pregnant? Or the girl who has miscarried?? Maybe its me bringing others down with my own sadness and im not offering enough happiness for them?? I do try but maybe I haven't given enough???  Or maybe this is just the way life goes....