Always waiting!!!

It strikes me that no matter what stage of this journey, you are always waiting for something to happen.... waiting for your period to end, waiting for ovulation, waiting to ovulate, in the 2 week wait, waiting for that second line, waiting for the positive bloods, waiting for the blood levels to go up, waiting for the dating scan, the 12week scan, the anatomy scan... and so on and so on until 40 weeks or if unluckly a little longer!!! And don't get me started on all the waiting once baby finally arrives!!


At the moment im actually waiting for my period to arrive... im CD51 tomorrow, it should be here by now. It frustrates me that its not here. It frustrates me that I then have to go through all that wait again and the reality is its going to be a whole lot more of waiting regardless of the outcome of this next cycle!!!


What I would give to be naive in this whole process... hey press-tow, baby!!! Argh yes, dreams are free!!

Acupuncture

Today I had my first acupuncture appointment. The first part of it was sitting down and discussing EVERYTHING to see if there was a common thread in things going on for me. She believes alot of my issues stem from my thyroid and my gut. We discussed my charting and that my levels this month in particular and quite low which she feels is a really good indication that the thyroid isn't working properly. She also said it can be a really big issue with getting and maintaining pregnancy... good thing is its easily treated. So I have had some blood tests for that along with some other things. She also feels I may have some intolerances to foods like gluten/wheat and has tested that.


I found it quite interesting really! So much made so much sense! It really would compliment western medicine and as she said, there is too much emphasis on medicating not correcting. The pins didn't hurt at all - I had some in my head, tummy, ankles and wrists. 


My therapist was really lovely and im quite looking forward to doing this journey for a while. We discussed briefly a plan for the future - im going to do weekly sessions and hold off from doing another clomiphene or IUI cycle to see if we can get things better aligned without the interventions as she feels I have done too much clomiphene as it is!!!


So yay - bring it on and bring on my BFP!!!

Have I or Haven't I??

Today im CD40. Earlier in the week I had crosshairs put on my chart indicating I had ovulated. A few days later than were taken away from me, and now they are back. So im not entirely sure if I have even ovulated - talk about confusing!! Why can't any of this be just so much easier???


Another thing im no longer sure about is whether or not I will get my IVF this year. I met up with some girls last night who are at different stages of treatment through Repromed here in Christchurch and what became very clear was that its not a quick process, even when making it to the top of the list. Some of them are on to their multiple attempts, some of those have lapsed in their waiting times and are still waiting to even get their screening letters so if they haven't and were due before me then im sure as hell not going to. Its all just so disheartening, just when you think something may go our way then there are more set-backs. How on earth can I prepare myself for more of this? Im only just really beginning in this journey - can I honestly keep strong to get the end result? Can I honestly endure more and more of this?? I just don't know if I can :(

ho hum

Its been a tough week for me this week. A couple people I know are pregnant, another had a baby... and I feel as though im still lagging. Its always such a double edge saw - I want to feel so happy for my friends but there is always such a strong feeling of jealousy that its not me. I doubt my friends would understand this, I shouldn't be so selfish is probably what they think. Unless you have been through this tough journey of infertility and loss then I don't think you can really understand the emotions of it. I am truly happy for my friends, just jealous that its not me and that its so much easier for them. Its definitely been great for me to have my online forums and groups to discuss things like this in - likeminded people who understand, its been truly helpful for me over the years.


So today im CD34, still haven't ovulated :(
I have made an appointment with an acupuncturist who specialises in fertility treatment and works closely with Repromed in the pre treatment and also to compliment it. Fingers crossed this will help!!
I also had my yearly smear - hoping that thats normal, last thing I need is another abnormal bloody smear!!!

Sometimes it really does suck to be a woman!

4 months to go

This morning I woke up, took my temp and it was extremely low. This confirmed to me what I felt I already knew and that was that I haven't yet ovulated. I was guttered - im already CD31, how much longer will this take? I feel like my PCOS is back and taking over things again, and again I became disheartened. With this in mind we decided not to go ahead with the IUI next month - as a one off there is no point, not when im not in a pattern of ovulating. Its just so disappointing :(


So I rang Repromed, hoping that they would give me some glimmer of hope however keeping myself "safe" by being prepared to be told that the IVF has been delayed as I thought due to the earthquake.... however it seems this isn't so! I was told that the waitlist is still at 12/13months and we would be sent a letter in May/June asking us to do all our screening tests, and then they will send us consent, and then its all go! I can't believe it - I fully believed that I was going to be told that it would be more like the end of the year! 


But it looks like August is still the goer... thats 4months time!!! I can't believe it. And I can't believe I have gone from feeling super down this morning to believing in things again!!! Talk about a roller-coaster of emotions.


So countdown is officially on x x

Confused

Since I stopped taking clomiphene I have managed to ovulate on my own. My cycle lengths however are getting longer and longer each time which is annoying. I wish I could have just the same amount of days in a cycle, easy! Today im CD30 and I don't think I have even ovulated - I have had EWCM a few times in the last few weeks, like blatant easy to tell its EWCM too but I still don't think I have ovulated!! I think the doubt has come from taking my temps the last 2 days - both low. Sure I haven't done my temps at any other stage of this cycle but usually they go up way more than this so its got me worried that I haven't!! Is it possibly to have fertile CM at more than 1 stage of a cycle?? Gosh I hope this doesn't mean that things from my PCOS are interfering with my cycles again although im thinking this is what it means. Im just not used to having EWCM, let alone as much as im having. I just wish I could understand it all and what it means.... argh!


This is one really good reason to keep an eye on the body through temps, OPKs etc - I hate not knowing where im up to in the cycle or how much longer I need to wait until my period is here. It makes it even harder to know when I should be trying!!! I just want to get into the next cycle already and start the IUI!!!

Some poems I have found...these help to show the ongoing battle of this journey I didn't ask to take

Dreams

Some dream of big houses
Or shiny new cars,
Ours is to someday 
Hold a baby that’s ours.
Some dream of more money
To hoard and to keep,
Mine is to someday
Rock my baby to sleep.
Some dream of careers
In buildings so tall,
His is to someday
Toss his kid a baseball.
Some dream of great power
To be strong and tough,
Ours is to someday
Have a child to love.
Some dream of things
Such as silver and gold
Ours is of the day
Our child we’ll hold.




Questions

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

Infertility

As the time gets near
you prayed it would disappear
please, just one time
a healthy baby that is mine
cant you give
a big fat positive

Make it a girl or boy
either one would bring me joy
could it be that i may
live without another cliche'
"it will happen when it does"
"why make such a big fuss"

Only the ones with infertility
understand what it's like to be me
is it my husband or I
the thought causes me to cry
with the one question...Why?
To see little fingers and Toes
and a cute button nose

so many tears have been shed
lying at night in bed
wondering how it would be
to have a baby inside of me

someone pregnant will walk by
I try so hard not to cry
Why her, Why not me?
I think of every possibility
For my Infertility
I try to keep hope
thats the only way i can cope
my heart continues to break
every negative causes it to ache

Maybe one day i will see
A precious baby staring back at me
Love it with all my heart
and promise to never part
God i hope you guide me thru this
For that is my only wish
I deserve the chance to be a mom
to sing my baby a song
Take a look at me
For i am the face of INFERTILITY!!

The financial burden

I had an interesting conversation with someone at work yesterday - she has unexplained fertility issues, is a little older and is trying for number 2. She was talking about how she didn't know if it was worth spending all this money on a baby that may not even be perfect (she had concerns that because of her age and unknown infertility that the baby could be born with a defect). She felt that she would be happier to have just 1 child then risk this fear of hers. She has up till now been doing things like acupuncture but is looking into more invasive procedures like the IUI which of course costs as she is not yet eligible for public funding.


I can kind of understand where she is coming from - its an expensive journey with no guaranteed success rate. The risk side of things I don't quite get - I believe I can love any baby, healthy or with disabilities. In regards to thinking about it "possibly having deficits" I can't think about that - thats a risk sure, and unfortunately I know far too many people who have had the unfortunate experience of having to go through an early labour due to their babies being sick - but I can't do this journey always thinking of the negatives. I guess its a case of each to their own - we all have our limits.


For me I can't wait to experience the growing belly, the movements within, the first time I see my baby's face. Just thinking about it makes me know that every penny spent will be worth it!!!

when will it be me???

So today I have gone back to my obsessive ways - reading all sorts of things on PCOS, pregnancy, looking at friends photos etc. I have also been spending a bit of time in the community forums on the Treasures website - there are people on there who are onto their 2nd pregnancies or trying for them while im still waiting for number 1!!! Im being overtaken everywhere I look, it makes me so sad and angry :(


Im going to start my supplements again although I do feel like I will be lagging in what they can do for me as its been such a long break, it will be like starting all over again!! But I guess at the same time it can't hurt. We have also decided that we will do the one off IUI next cycle, I feel like I just need to and hubby is ok with that.


Next month its been officially 2years of trying. I just want it to be me.... when will it be me?? 

To IUI or not to IUI

Before the earthquake, we had made the decision to do a one of IUI and see what comes of it - we had spent the early months of the year focusing on trying to live a healthier life by getting more active (and more social), eating better, trying natural supplements and just trying to live away from trying to concieve. Our thought process at the time were it worked first time around - maybe now with the break and better lifestyle that will put us in a good position for this to work again???


But then 22nd February happen and that blew that out the window. But now I ask myself why should it put it out the window?? Maybe it is still a possibility??? I know its a gamble but lets face it, anything for us is a gamble when it comes to success its just that this costs. But maybe we are setting ourselves up for failure again? But nothing ventured nothing gained??? I wish I had a crystal ball with all the answers - wouldn't that just be so much easier??!!!


Today I am CD22 so I guess ultimately the decision will come when I get back to CD1 and how im feeling about it then :)