Jealousy....

Its hard not to be when its something that you want so so much. Im of the age where people are settling down so the expectation is that we should be too - believe me we would if we could!!!
Just after we got married we used to get asked all the time when were we planning on starting a family. When I started the clomiphene I put on weight around my tummy and people used to ask if I was pregnant, even pat my "bump".... now people no longer ask anything. 
I can't believe how long its taking - it should never be this hard!!! You read of people who get pregnant at the snap of the fingers, only need to look at their partner and then they are knocked up. I have tried meds, herbals, temping, fertility assisted treatments, losing weight, yoga, ignoring things.... when will something work!!! When will it be our turn???

So yes, I am jealous.... I wish I had the innocence of not knowing how hard this path could be. I wish I could be like them.

Some posts from the old blog ;)

Here are some posts from my original blog - this is all from the first cycle after our miscarriage...

Sunday 8^th August 2010

So today I am CD13 of our first cycle trying after the miscarriage. On Thursday I had some bloods which showed that things were moving along so I went in for a scan Friday morning. However they told me at the scan that my blood results weren’t quite as good as where they were the same time last cycle, and when scanned I only had 1 dominant follicle on one ovary and a few small on each ovary. So its back to waiting with more blood tests/scans tomorrow.

The hardest thing about this whole process is the waiting – always waiting for something be it my period to start, the 2 week wait to begin, or the 2 week wait to be over. It’s all so time consuming! I just wish that time could stop or at least I could stop, thinking that is. I’m finding at the moment im thinking about it all day every day – even dreaming about it. I just wished we could have a drunken shag and get pregnant – it seems to work for most of the population!

Today im feeling down about the whole thing, I just wish I could switch off and live my life. We went and saw some friends with there 11week old baby which as lovely as it is to have baby cuddles, its so hard watching others doing the job I want so much to have. When will it be my turn?

Wednesday 11^th August 2010, CD16 – 1DPO

The IUI happened yesterday – was much more painful this time then last! They had difficulty getting the spectulum in and had trouble finding my cervix but once in, all went well. Joe did his semen sample earlier – 43million of them after being washed!!! Last time there were only 37million and the nurses said that they only need 1million so surely one of them will get through right? It was a shame that this time we weren’t together when they were inserting it – last time he was there holding my hand, this time I was texting him throughout it. Talk about romance!

I had to lie down for quite a bit afterwards due to the cramping, even needed some pain relief. I was quite surprised to find out that codeine was alright in pregnancy! I have developed a cold so we were talking about what I could take that wouldn’t interfere with things – only really paracetamol. The only concern is that I don’t get a temp as that could affect things.

So im officially into the 2 week wait now – 1DPO. Need to try and not symptom watch or think about things, what will be will be I guess. We have done all we can… I just hope its enough! I so desperately want a baby :(

Oh, its also 8wks today since the D&C – can’t believe how fast that time has gone. I don’t feel sad about it though, I have dealt with the fact that our baby wasn’t well. But I do get moments of sadness that im no longer pregnant and each Saturday that clicks over is another week that I should be into my pregnancy – I think that’s the hardest thing about a loss.

Tuesday 17^th August 2010, CD22 – 7DPO

Took my temp this morning – it was 36.47 so mid range for me really.

Had a blood test which confirmed that I had ovulated – according to one of the nurses at Repromed I had a good response to the Ovedrill and my levels post ovulation were really good. They then wished me luck.

My breast have been tingling more today. But again other than that, not much else going on symptom wise. Just gotta keep on waiting, which really does suck!

This evening I started getting cramps, they are quite strong and my boobs still hurt. Fingers crossed!

My cat has been sleeping on me for a bit this evening which doesn’t usually happen…maybe it’s a sign?

Wednesday 18^th August 2010, CD23 – 8DPO

Temp this morning was 36.48, not much of a rise there! Still been getting cramps on and off and still getting tingling breasts….

Today a friend of mine had a baby and didn’t even tell me (despite sending out a group text to other people). She has purposely distance herself from me her entire pregnancy despite denying it when I confronted her about it. She even didn’t invite me to her baby shower! Its really hurtful! I hate being known as the girl who can’t conceive – im the only one of my friends! She is not the only person who has distance herself though, another friend also did. And I have people who find it hard to tell me their exciting news as well, I guess because I have troubles conceiving and the miscarriage. I don’t think people understand that their actions really are hurtful, its times like this you need your friends around you. It should be me who decides if I can deal with something, not someone else. Im stronger than they realise, and its sad that so-called friends can’t see that.

Thank god I have my virtual friends I made from a TTC forum – they have been so extremely supportive despite not having met me! I wish I could meet more of them as I believe I have made some lifelong friendships. But still, my own friends should be there for me too.

Today is not a good day as realising what I don’t have – supportive friends or a baby :(

So this evening I have just heard my sister has miscarried. She started to bleed so went to the doctor who sent her for a scan but bubs had stopped growing at around 5w. I can’t believe it has happened to my own sister, I feel just so devastated for her!

My mother told me – she (my mother) is now in a depression about how she doesn’t have grandkids as they just die. Boy that didn’t go down with me at all!!! She carried on saying how neither of us would have children – im like what the fuck?! Is she really just saying this to me right now? I said to her that I really don’t need to be hearing this right now but was promptly told that its not all about me, that this has all effected her also. Of course im aware that its not nice for grandparents but she isn’t the one who has lost a baby! She should be supporting us and making us feel like there is still hope for us, not bringing us down with her own misery! I ended up hanging up on her as I just don’t need to be hearing such mean things from a woman who has spent her entire time blaming me for things in her life (I was the unwanted/unplanned daughter). Right now… she is a lesson for me to learn from, what not to be like as a parent!

As for my sister, I intend to give her all the love and support that she needs right now – I only wish we were in the same city. Why oh why do miscarriages happen, especially to those who would make such amazing mothers :(

Friday 20^th August 2010, CD25 – 10DPO

So its time for a change in my thought processes – time for nothing but positive thoughts and being thankful for all the wonderful things I do have! Feeling much better for the change in thinking already ♥

Today nothing much to report symptoms wise – much of the same from the last few days. I have been having real “blonde” moments today and making lots of mistakes (baby brain maybe?) and well last night my cat curled up on me again…. Clutching at straws here maybe? Time will tell I guess!

Saturday 21^st August 2010, CD26 – 11DPO

Well its getting closer to finding out our fate – im getting nervous and excited at the same time. Still could go either way I guess. My temp came back up this morning – yesterday it dropped to 36.22 and today it was 36.60…lets hope that was an implantation dip!

Symptoms today have been nausea, headaches, fatigue, boobs tingling still and now become a bit sore, and occasional feelings/cramps in my lower abdo. As I say, could go either way as these too could be signs that my period is on its way. I honestly don’t know what I will do if we aren’t pregnant, I will just be so guttered :(

Hmm….. tonight my dog peed on our bed. Now this behaviour was happening when I was pregnant last time…. Sure, could be a coincidence but interesting none the less!!

Sunday 22^nd August 2010, CD27 – 12DPO

I did what I said I wasn’t going to… I took a test. Im not even surprised it was negative – I was expecting that! I tried to hide it from my hubby but he guessed straight away ha ha. Im not sad about it though – I know its still early, I knew it was going to be negative I just had to satisfy my impatience in doing it! Hubby doesn’t understand that, he just thinks im setting myself up to get upset, but its just such a hard desire to describe! My period would be due Wednesday or Thursday so will now wait until then to do another test.

My temp this morning was 36.52. I am still feeling bouts of nausea and tingling in my breasts but nothing major and nothing else much to report. We had the discussion today of “what if im not pregnant” – unfortunately we can’t afford to do anymore IUI’s so if we aren’t successful this time then we will have to wait a year to be eligible for the public funding. We are still waiting for our confirmation that we have been put on the waitlist so I will just have to chase that. Its hard to think that this maybe our last chance :(

Monday 23^rd August 2010, CD28 – 13DPO

So today im just not feeling it. I still get the tingling boobs on and off (and they feel heavier) and some abdo cramps every now and then. I have had a couple of bouts of nausea – mostly when I haven’t eaten. Other than that, a big fat NOTHING!!! Don’t feel like my period is on its way either so who knows whats going on!!! Tomorrow is 2 weeks since the IUI so hubby is letting me test tomorrow morning with the discover test…. Not long to wait now but boy is it playing on my mind!!!!

Wednesday 24th August 2010, CD30 – 15DPO

Well we are still coming to terms with the fact that this just wasn't our time - its so disappointing but what can we do? We both talked last night about maybe the pressure of having just one follicle and the stress of the timing may have effected things but at the end of the day who knows. Still feeling the signs that my period will be here so im expecting that tomorrow.

I got a phone call today from Repromed who have confirmed that we are on the waitlist for public funding for IVF and this has been back dated to 5th July which means we only have basically 11 out of 13months left to wait. 

We also talked about maybe booking on for another private IUI next cycle but if there is only one follicle we wouldn't go through with it and just try for the "natural" way - that way we don't waste the money on just one chance. But after that, thats definately it. We just can't keep whittling down our savings as there is basically nothing left, but at the same time the thought of not doing everything we can to get there is just too strong. Besides, they say after about 3-4 attempts of IUI and no success then there is no point continuing to try. So for now, need to just carry on with life - learning to live life again without it revolving around trying for a baby. Who knows, maybe we will be one of the statistics of those who get lucky without trying!

Friday 27th August 2010, CD1

Yip, aunty flow greeted me in the night! Its ok though, im honestly ok with it - I think we grieved that it wasn't our month the other day, just glad it finally came.

Pleasant distractions

Its been 5 weeks today since the Christchurch earthquake - as horrible as it has been dealing with the whole aftermath of the quakes, it has given my mind a well deserved break from thinking about trying to conceive. But as I approach my fertile days of the current month, im secretly trying to convince myself that maybe its this distraction that will help us this month??? Time will tell I guess...

Second Chances

I have decided to reinstate my original blog.... this is a personal journey about myself and our troubles to start a family. I don't intend to offend.... which I seemed to do last time and as I was still so emotional following the miscarriage I wasn't strong enough to fight the claims (and instead was made to feel like shit for feeling and writing about things). This is a therapeutic outlet about my own thoughts and emotions so I hope that people can read it and take it for what it is.


The storey so  far..........

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) in April 2008 after going off the pill in June 2007 and still awaiting my period to return. I had lots of bloods and a scan at the time which confirmed it. I also had a smear result come back with high grade abnormal cells which were removed in July 2008. I have had the all clear now from smears, however have to have yearly ones to ensure they don’t return or form to become cancerous. We were told that all this could lead to difficulties trying to conceive. 

After I got married in January 2009 I wanted to start trying straight away given that we knew we would have difficulties so in May we officially began. It wasn't easy given that my cycles never went back to normal - it could be up to 60+ days until I got a period.  We went to a gynaecologist who put us on 50mgs of clomiphene and then increased this to 100mg. This was July 2009. In December we were referred on to Repromed, the fertility specialists in Christchurch. Since our time with them we did 2 monitored cycles on clomiphene with ovridrill HCG trigger shots, a HSG tube flush, and then an IUI. We were successful with the IUI however our baby did not survive past 7w 1d, and at 8w 4d we had to undergo a D&C which just broke our hearts. It took 5w 6d for my period to return and we have decided to  carry on trying. We tried 2 more IUI's with no success so now we sit and wait on the IVF public funding waitlist for our call up!


I can only hope that the next time we are blessed to get pregnant that we are able to go full term and hold our precious bubba in our arms... please please please be soon!!!