Lots to update....

So following our failed FET's, we tried our best to accept the hand that had been played to us. I started to sell off our baby items, we attempted to get used to the idea of having only one child but it didn't happen. We decided to look at our options....

We went to an evening about adoption or home for life. Gosh what an eye-opener that was. So many children with such unfortunate circumstances. It's such a long shot, especially here in Christchurch. So the chances were prity slim of it happening. So what next???

We took out a loan... time to go the private IVF route! Once we made this decision, it seemed so clear to us, why didn't we think of this sooner??? We were so lucky to have success with a fresh transfer last time, surely luck will be on our side. And if not, well then we can say we truly did try everything. Given the costs of privately funded treatments, we knew we only had the one shot at it as we couldn't afford to keep trying - this was a stretch for us as it was... But it felt right to give it a go!

So we started when my period arrived in August. Back to the jabs, back to the bloating, back to the hardship of IVF. This time was so much different too - I was making heaps of embies, the pressure was insane!! So much more painful this time round.

We had our scan which showed that I had something like 16 eggs on one side and 15 on the other, all of varying sizes. My trigger injection was different this time, I had Burselin as its more used for those at risk of OHSS. God please don't let me get that - we desperately wanted our fresh transfer as thats what worked for us!

Day of collection was horrible. I was crying while they were doing it, thinking how horrible it is that these are the lengths we have to go to get our family, why can't it be easy for us??? I was also crying from the pain, I could feel so much more this time round, they needed to top up my pain relief through it. Afterwards I felt nausea's, cramping and just like utter crap. But on the good news front we got eggs total, woo hoo!!! Last time we only got 6!!!

Of the 16 eggs we got, 9 fertilised - again things were better!!! It took me a few days to get better following the collection, it really did take it out of me. We were lucky and got to 5 day blastocyst and we had the same grade embie transferred as our daughter!!!! Again another good sign. We also got 3 in the freezer, last time we only had 2. So all in all great improvements from last time and again I was in another two week wait!!

Nothing really major was happening to me during the 2 week wait, nothing that I could pass off as being pregnant. I was starting to feel despondent the closer I was getting to my blood test day. It was a Sunday and I felt an urge to test, just to get it off my chest.... it was positive!!! I just couldn't believe it!! I did another test the day before my blood test and yip, positive again and the line was darker!!!

So we did it, we had IVF success again! Blood test showed really great numbers and when I did another test the rise was great. We couldn't believe it!!!

So since being pregnant, lots has happened for me.... needless to say the bumpy road to a baby got even more bumpy.

At around 5weeks I started to get some spotting on and off up until 6 weeks. This is when the spotting turned to bright red bleeding. I spent about 3hrs on the loo where blood was flooding out of me. It was a horrible experience. I passed a massive clot which we only assumed was our baby. Following this the bleeding stopped. Both myself and my hubby were in tears for the loss of our child. I felt so empty. The next day we had our dating scan which we still went ahead with to make sure that I had fully miscarried. When we were at the specialists he kept saying how yes it didn't sound good but you never know... I was like "dick, of course I know". So we did the scan.... and what do you know, we had a baby with a strong heartbeat for our dates and perfect growth. We were literally stunned. They also couldn't find any explanation for the bleed. So we had a couple more scans over the next few weeks and everything was going as it should!!

At 9weeks I had another little bleed, nothing major but enough to get me nervous again. So we had another scan and of course all was ok. As im rhesus negative I have to get anti-D with each bleed also, just another wee thing.

A couple of days later I started to get really sick. I thought great, my morning sickness has come back with a vengeance. I spent a day vomiting, I was having hot and cold chills, I felt feverish. Again, horrible. I ended up going to hospital where I fainted. They gave me fluids and I had to stay in over night as my blood pressure was low and my heart rate too fast.

So its been a turbulent first trimester!!! But today I am 13weeks and all is still going well. I am still in disbelief that I am pregnant again and that our family will be growing. I have spent the last few months putting up a wall to protect myself from impending loss but our bubba sure is a fighter and now its time I start believing in him or her also xx

A year on

It truly is hard to believe my baby will be 1yr old in a matter of days... its true what they say, it really does go by so incredibly fast!!! Sometimes I wonder did I appreciate the little things enough - the newborn stage, the first times, the smiles. It all feels like I can't get enough of it yet at the same time doesn't feel like I got enough. Im so incredibly proud of my girl, she is an absolute delight! She makes every day so much better just by being apart of my life. We are blessed.

With loving parenthood its natural to think of extending the family, giving our daughter a play mate. Unfortunately for us though this won't be a reality, not for want of trying anyways.
We had 2 embies on ice... one didn't take, the other didn't make it passed the thaw. There is no more funding for us and we don't have the money to go privately. The fertility journey is now over. 

A girl in my IVF support group asked me how I was coping with knowing it was the end - that I seemed so strong, so brave. This was my response to her:

I don't know about strong...

The reality of this has just hit us. It saddens me that our girl won't have a sibling, I just don't want her to ever be sad or lonely 
We made the decision awhile back. Sitting in the IVF support group and listening to heartache after heartache... I just couldn't do that! Like one girl - they spent inheritance money, their savings and she has never even had a short lived BFP. I know how guttered she was each and every time. There are ladies in their going overseas to get their precious babies, on to attempt number however many..... It goes on and on and the guarantees are never there. I don't knock anyone for doing what they feel they need to, but for us well we just couldnt keep feeling so out of control. We feel that we are already lucky and that anymore would be a bonus. 
So now we grieve and we have to move on. We look forward to infertility not ruling our lives like it has for so long. We start living a different life and that has to be good.
Does that make any sense??

I look to my wee girl and it brings tears to my eyes watching her play on her own, knowing this is a reality she will have, but at the same time I have to be thankful as we are lucky. We have a success storey, we have a family.... we are truly blessed. Its been a hard journey but I wouldn't change it as it gave us the most incredible wee girl who is extremely special and so loved by many. Its time to move on, its time to start a new journey.

Good luck to those who go down a similar path. Be strong x