Day 13

Its time to get my trigger on!!!!


Yip thats right, scan and bloods today showed improvements with my follicles - they had grown in size and amount!!! Im so so happy - finally walked away from a scan feeling happy (it only took 5 attempts)!!! And it didn't matter that they took 2 goes to get my blood out, or that today's jab gave me my first bruise.... cos it's all part of the cause!!!!


So tonight at 10.45pm we do the trigger shot of Ovidrel, tomorrow is a day off meds and then on Friday morning at 10.45am I have my collection. Its amazing what some good news does, im beaming!!!

Day 12

Today I had a "me" day at home. I woke up and started to get ready for work but with this meds im having daily icky poos (sorry for the too much info on that) and today I just felt ick so decided it would do me the world of good to have a day to myself to refocus and deal with the disappointments of yesterday. It was the best thing I could have done! I went back to bed and stayed there until midday until I got up for lunch, then watched back to back episodes of one of my favourite programs, played ball with my dog, went to acupuncture and then had a nice Thai dinner. I barely even thought about the IVF. I just relaxed.


I had a good talk with hubby last night about how I was feeling about it all. Was good to get things off my chest and realise that my "perfect dream" of lots of follicles and then lots of chances is not the reality of things. It is what it is - my cards have been dealt. I need to focus on these being the best ones available to me, what ever the final number at collection. Its a rocky road - im entitled to grieve the set backs and disappointments.... but I need to move on otherwise I will just go crazy!!


A good friend of mine said it to me perfectly "Don't give up - it is a tough and crappy journey you are on but your baby is waiting for you. One follicle - one egg - one sperm - one baby! I believe in you" 
Its time I believe in myself too x 

Day 11

Today is not a good day :(


Had my scan this morning - looking like will only have about 4 mature follicles now. Still have lots of little ones that I guess have the potential to still grow but probably unlikely. Most of the mature ones are only about 11mm with the exception of one which is about 16mm. I know people say its about quality not quantity, or it only takes one, but shit this is a lot of pressure!! Thats 4 now, but with fertilisation the likely hood is im only going to get the 1! Again I know that people can have all good numbers following fertilising but that can't be an every day occurance. I've heard of too many people that only get the 1 transferred as that was all that was decent. 
And to top it all off found out my blood test results this afternoon were still quite a wee way off where they need to be (although still rising) so the predicted egg collection of Friday given to me this morning is now potentially next Monday.


How do I keep positive? I don't know how! I broke down at work today, it's just so so hard. I have honestly tried to remain positive or turn my negativity around but I just feel like everything has been against me since I took my first jab. I actually feel quite alone in this journey, feel like a broken negative record. Im in an online support group who don't seem to even post on my posts. My husband is so stressed with work that I feel I can't give him more pressure. Friends and family understand to a certain degree but don't really get it. I just want someone to say something other than they know it will work - how, how do they know? No-one knows, there are no guarantees. This is the final straw in trying for a baby - I have done everything else, and yet there is still no guarantees! Today I don't feel I have the strength to carry on - how can I make it through the next phases of this? How do I find the will to believe that it will be ok???


I wish I knew how to answer that....

Day 10

I had my first dose of Orgalutran last night - ouch, thats the most painful of them all so far. I could feel it more going in and out - hubby said he thought it was harder to put in too. It stung as it was going in and for quite a while afterwards.... and then a rash appeared. My god, what a panic that sent me into - I was worried thinking "no not again". This rash was different, it was almost instant this time. I put some frozen corn (didn't have any ice) on it to help take away the sting and also to stop the spread of the rash. After about 30mins the sting was gone but the rash was still there but hadn't spread so I took that to be a good thing. After a few hours it had all but gone and I didn't wake up this morning with any hideous rashes so yay success!!! 


Im feeling ok - less pain in my lower abdo which I attribute to being low key and not up and about like I am at work. Im still super tired though, can't quite catch up on that.


Today one of my friends had a baby shower - again I wasn't invited. I don't know why they feel they can't invite me to these things, its really hurtful! Maybe were not friends in her eyes although she did come to our wedding. I give up trying to work these things out - maybe it is because im the infertile/miscarrying girl, or maybe its just apart of life. I have my close friends who have stuck by me and that's all that matters.


Scan and bloods tomorrow to start off a busy week for us :)

Day 9

This morning I had my scan. I have about 10-12 follicles on each ovary at this stage but most of them are quite small, the largest was 12mm. So im still slowly responding but the specialist said I have the potential to all of a sudden just "kick off" and grow super fast so they have booked me in for another scan on Monday. At this stage its looking like egg collection will be Friday however if I start rapidly growing it will be Wednesday. All in all they don't seem to be worried by things, said its all quite normal but I just can't help but worry! They said it looks like I will get about 7-8 mature follicles, this doesn't seem like a good number to me - I know it only takes 1 but I want as much chance as possible for it to be "the one".
I can atleast start the Orgalutran tonight so I guess that's progress. Argh, such a stressful time!!! Atleast the sun is shining so im going to try and do something to cheer me up and stop me from worrying!!! 

Day 8

Blood test this morning - still not ready to start Orgalutran which means im slow responding to the meds. One can't help but get worried by this - I know it can be quite common/normal to happen but still im worried. Hopefully the scan tomorrow will help put me at ease. They said my bloods are rising so I guess thats good, and surely the discomfort im having in my uterus can't all be for nothing!!! Its becoming so full in my tummy thats for sure!


Had acupuncture tonight - she was working on trying to help the blood flow to aid the follicle growth. I fell asleep during my session - have been so tired!!! It was nice to relax. I have also been listening to the Circle+Bloom audio MP3's just before bed - its been nice to have something to relax me before sleep so that my mind isn't on 100 things or stressing out. The program has different audio's to listen to dependent on what cycle day I am, and when I do my egg collection and transfer there are specific ones again.


Symptoms today are much the same only more intense - fatigue, sore tummy, sore lower abdo, sore boobs. I also had a bout of icky tummy last night and this morning which was a treat... not!!!!


Scan tomorrow, bring me some good news!!!

Day 7

Today im not feeling great - starting to get a tight feeling in my lower abdomen which is becoming uncomfortable, my tummy feels queezy, I feel so tired and my breasts hurt. On top of that, im just feeling as though its all a bit hard at the moment which is making me feel emotional. Whether its doing my planning for next week and not knowing how I can when I don't know the day of egg collection, or driving on the bumpy roads of Christchurch which is hurting my boobs and stomach.... im just feeling a bit over it all today and just want to hide from the world. Wishing I had arranged time off from work now to help cope and get me through the next few weeks :(


Tomorrow is a new day...........

Day 6

Today I had my first blood test and scan. Scan showed 8 follicles on my left ovary and 5 on my right, all only 8mm or less at this stage. I was kind of hoping there would be more in there but I guess quality is better than quantity. Bloods just sat with where things are right now - nothing too exciting. Not yet ready to introduce the next drug Orgalutran but I have another blood test on Friday which will tell whether I need to start then or not. The nurses at the clinic said to me that they feel nervous with me now after my reaction as this next drug is the one that people seem to react to... I told them that them telling me this only makes me nervous!!! Argh, so not what I need. Next scan is Saturday morning, lets hope things have moved along nicely.


Symptoms wise im feeling very fatigued, got an ick feeling in my tummy, abdo is feeling a bit fuller, boobs are a bit tender and im getting hot flushes. Not feeling too emotional, just stressed with the way this cycle has started and stupid comments like that this morning.


Grow follies grow!!!

Day 5

Still no new rash so yay!! Puregon is working - onwards and upwards!!!
Nothing to report symptoms wise, just feeling a bit tired but thats all. First scan is tomorrow morning so lets hope that we see loads of follicles starting to grow!! Still worried that the glip will be a setback for the growth but trying to keep as positive as possible.

Day 4

Today, I began Puregon. So far so good - no red rash, still have some spots from the Gonal-F however they aren't worse than this morning so all is looking good for the moment. It was however 11hours after I took the Gonal-F that I got the rash so im not out of the woods just yet - hoping like hell tho that there is no reaction as Repromed have told me if I do get one they will have to cancel the treatment and look at other options. They decided not to give me another dose tonight but to instead wait to make sure I definitly don't react - PLEASE don't react!!! 


So at the moment im feeling a little bit fuller down in my abdomen but not too bad. Other than that, im just feeling a little ick and a bit emotional however I think that is more down to the stress over the last couple of days. Nothing else really to note symptom wise at this point. Bring on the follie growing!

Gonal-F out... Puregon in

FINALLY hear from one of the Repromed doctors (via the oncall nurse) and I have been advised to stop the Gonal-F medication all together. They have said its ok for me to have an over the counter antihistermine pill and cream so I have got me some of that as the rash has come back worse than before :(


So whats next? They are going to try me with another FSH drug Puregon tomorrow morning, and then I will have another dose tomorrow night. I asked about me missing tonights dose and what effects this will have on things in the long run and the nurse couldn't really offer me any answers to this other than saying that tomorrow mornings dose would be ok. I know I need to trust in them but its so hard... they harp on about not missing a dose or the need to do things exactly on time, and here I am missing my second dose! Its just all so disheartening and I feel like my emotions are all over the place today. I want this to work - I don't get allergic reactions usually yet Murphy's Law, Im allergic to my IVF meds!!!


Please please please don't let this change the outcome, I beg of you!!

Day 3

Its been an eventful morning....


I woke up with a rash that was on my face, neck, shoulders, chest and back. It was patchy red and itchy. It progressed down my arms and to my hands. The only thing it could really have been related to was my GonalF so I rang the on call nurse to get some advice. She initially said to just put some cream on it however I stressed that it was on my face and neck and seemed to be getting worse so she said she would call me back when she spoke with a doctor. 30mins later and she wasn't able to get in touch with a doctor so she recommended I went to the after hours clinic.


So we went there and waited an hour and a half. In this time my rash had virtually cleared so I wasn't too concerned, but just wondered what next. The doctor said it was a definite allergic reaction and her recommendation would be to not have anymore medications and wait till can talk to specialists tomorrow. I said I couldn't do this - I wasn't prepared to stop, that the reaction isn't too bad. As she couldn't guarantee that the next reaction wouldn't be worse, she said I would therefore need to go into hospital to have the next dose and then be monitored over night incase I went into anaphylactic shock and would need some medications as this could be serious.


Wow, I just can't believe this is happening. This is a tough road as it is and now im allergic to the medication needed to help get me pregnant!!! I only hope like hell there is an alternative medication I can take - would be great if I could get this today however thats unlikely (especially as no one can get ahold of the doctors at Repromed), so going into hospital is the next best thing to ensure I can keep taking the medication and not ruin things. Hopefully this wee blip won't effect the overall outcome however its hard to remain positive at this stage.


I just keep crying. This was meant to be my time. 

First jab

Have just done the first of many injections. My hubby was the administer - we were both just so anxious that we did it a little bit earlier than we planned as the anticipation was making the anxiety worse!! But it didn't hurt and was very easy. A small scrape on my skin when the needle came out but other than that, it was a success!! 


Now come on drugs, do your work - grow follicles, grow!!!

Cycle day 2 - its all on!!!

After freaking out about things the other night I started spotting yesterday. Repromed didn't think it would eventuate into a full blown period so I was booked in for a scan this morning to check my endometrium lining was low.... which it was (3mm)!!! This means we start our GonalF injections tonight, and im officially doing IVF!!! I have also started to have a full blown period with good fresh blood which im so so happy about - feel like im having a proper clean out in preparation of my impending pregnancy!!!


Feeling nervous but confident, this is my time. Im ready. I have done all I can to get to this point. The power of positivity is going to help me conceive and have a happy and healthy pregnancy until I have my baby in my arms!


Will be doing daily updates to let you know how it all goes :)

still waiting....

So aunty flow still hasn't greeted me!!! I had a blood test today to see what my levels are doing and they are back at baseline. I spoke with the nurse at Repromed and she said they were waiting to hear from the docs on when I should start, probably tomorrow but she would let me know.... and im still waiting to hear back!!! 


I called the on-call nurse to ask her and she didn't know either and only assumes that I must be starting tomorrow and that someone will likely call me then. But what if I was meant to start tonight?? does it matter if I don't start on time?? does it matter that I haven't even had a period?? Im sure they wouldn't let me do a cycle if it wasn't, but it just doesn't feel right to me that I haven't had a decent bleed in months!!!


I haven't even begun this journey yet and I already feel stressed. Im hating this limbo. I just want to get on but at the same time my confidence of this working is dwindling :(

And now I wait....

Today was my last time taking the pill with my down regulating. So now im just waiting for my period to show (the one time I want to see it) and then I can get started. Im already so up and down emotionally so I can only imagine how im going to be when I get this influx of hormones pumped into me!! My poor hubby ha ha. We just have to think of the big picture....

Jab training

Today we had our drug and jab training. Didn't have to do a tester on myself so yet to get over the anxieties around this but learnt the basics of it. We have decided that my hubby will do the administering anyways - that way he feels like he is helping :-)
The plan is that from day 2 of my cycle I start on Gonal-f and then from day 7 I start introducing Orgalutran until they tell me to stop (which will be when they are ready to do the egg collection) and I take my 3rd injection - my ovulation trigger Overdril. Roughly this will all take 12-14days so very quick really... 


Now I just have to wait for my period to return following stopping the pill this Sunday, hopefully it will be here by Thursday next week but if not I then do a blood test to see if im at base line or not - if I am then I will just start anyways.


So looks like next week is the start of something big!! Hope I can go the distance and get some good results and that there is still enough good luck out there for us!

Struggling

Today im feeling very flat. I don't know if its the medications or just the stark realisation that this is actually our fate, but im just feeling down. With other things going on in our life (earthquake/house related, family, work issues) I just wish something would be easy - I know its not going to be this but it just feels like something's gotta give. And its a catch 22 - im down and im feeling down that im down!!! I need to be in a good space. I need to be feeling good. I need to make the most of this bad situation to give us the best hope of success. But right now, despite the support I have, I feel so alone.


I hope this passes.

Yay for August

So today I woke up quite excited... im officially doing IVF this month. Eek!!!! Its actually happening!!! I can't believe our baby is so close now :-)


Next Monday I learn the art of jabbing, not looking forward to that but definitely looking forward to the end result!!! Im still doing the metformin and have just doubled the dose - other than a bit of nausea I have managed the meds well. Im still taking the pill for my down regulating, just 13 more days to go!!!


I have a good feeling about all this :-)