Constant disappointments

CD37.... still waiting on ovulation and this cycle to end, hurry up already :(


You would think after 26months I would get used to the disappointments that come with this journey, but they always seem to creep up on you. I remember when I first stopped the clomiphene and started ovulating on my own - I stupidly thought to myself, "well maybe my body is back to normal now". And even with each cycle as it slowly got longer I was still holding on to the fact that my body was still ovulating so thats good. Now all I can hope for is that this cycle will end sooner rather than later but im sure I will be disappointed on that one too.


This year I have ovulated only 3 times. Doesn't offer much chances to "try". I just want to get my fair shot like everyone else gets. These long cycles are really doing my head in!!! I can handle the low temps - people get pregnant on them and lots go on to healthy pregnancies. But with each cycle that goes on and on I know that my eggs are less healthy so not even worth the "try".
Im looking forward to the predictability of the clomiphene when I do it again next cycle. Even if it doesn't work for us, it will be nice to have a normal cycle.


Im also finding the longer im on this journey, the more isolated I feel. Most people I know don't seem to understand and offer the advice of "just don't stress and it will happen" or no advice at all as they have come to avoid talking about it (for fear of potentially upsetting me with how happy they are I suppose, or perhaps no longer care or tired of hearing about it?). Most my friends have gone on to have babies and some are onto their second pregnancies. I don't fit in anymore - even if im with my friends im that big elephant in the room while they busily talk about their lives which have obviously changed... I want that change.


I have but a few people who I talk to about how im struggling - mostly in the virtual world but a few in person. But mostly now, im just keeping it to myself. I don't want to bring people down with my sadness nor make them feel guilty. I guess I can understand the distance... kind of. But maybe this journey has become too much of me that im loosing my own identity?? Maybe now im just that girl who has struggles to get pregnant? Or the girl who has miscarried?? Maybe its me bringing others down with my own sadness and im not offering enough happiness for them?? I do try but maybe I haven't given enough???  Or maybe this is just the way life goes....